Hamster in a loop

A typical argument with the SO pans out as follows:

1. I say something that upsets her. 
2. I don't really catch on to the fact that she's annoyed. 
3. I do catch on but now am annoyed that she's annoyed over what I consider petty things. 
4. She gets upset
5. I get defensive
6. She gets irritated and hangs up/leaves.
7. We realize we are stuck with each other, apologize and move on. 

I was thinking about how this relates to personal development. I would say 98% of our arguments follow that path. I know what I need to do differently and change, yet somehow each time it follows the same pathway. You could argue that only the general framework is the same and that each issue is actually different, but I don't think that's true. 

So, if I know what needs to be done and how I can fix things why don't I? I don't know. 

In my leadership development classes, transnational manager classes, negotiation strategy classes, pretty much any soft skill classes we learn the academics and the framework to be a better leader, negotiation, manager, etc. We practice with live cases, role playing and other introspective exercises. At the end, given that we know what we can improve and what we should strive for, we should be able to develop. But is that even possible? So many times I've found myself thinking, "You know, I should fix that about myself" and then realize that I'm seemingly back to my old habits. 

Our negotiation strategy professor did an amazing exercise. In our last class, after we've gone through 7 weeks of pretty intense mock negotiation cases and exercises we thought we knew it all. We no longer had a fixed pie mentality and were brimming with ideas of value creation. She asked us to do one final negotiation exercise. With our partner sitting next to us, we were asked to get ourselves into arm wrestling positions. Whoever got the other person's hand to touch the table wins a piece of chocolate. When she said "Go" I immediately tried to strong arm my partner to get him to "lose". I didn't and thought that was it. Actually, she never said we both couldn't win. She never said we had to use strength to get the other person to lose. We could just go back and forth, both "lose" and get pieces of chocolate. 

I just spent 7 weeks and in the end, I felt like I hadn't learned anything. It's the age old concept of strategy is one thing, implementation is another. 

Things like this really make me wonder. Is personal development really possible? Can we change who we've become? Years and years of culture, external influences and biases have crafted us into who we are. We know what the traits of leaders are but if we didn't have those traits before, can you develop them? Emotional self-awareness is one thing but once you realize that you're doing something wrong can you change it? It's a tough call. Maybe we're just stuck being who we are, for better or for worse, and hope for the best.